if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I think we should hear other voices.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Terribly Tuesday.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
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