Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
There are no pants in heaven.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.