You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
You Might Also Like
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
When someone trying to leave me
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.