Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined