I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
new wife guy just dropped
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?