“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
me and the Superbowl rn
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after