Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
When I snag the last meatball.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog