Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.