Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….