Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.