I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
You Might Also Like
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.