My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.