The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
You Might Also Like
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.