microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Growing out my freckles.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Never go to sleep after making me angry
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave