[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Passwords are more important than ever.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
For the orator and chef in all of us
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.