Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
A choir of Spring onions
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears