Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
plums roundup
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Got ya covered
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Nice try, poison.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me