Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
You Might Also Like
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*