I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
i meant to share this earlier
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.