A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
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everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.