I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
finally found a reasonable question
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.