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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email