i think my razor is having a panic attack
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me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks