Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Called it
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.