Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy