Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
You Might Also Like
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones