I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Good morning!
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.