cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
For those that worship cheese..
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.