Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
U talkin 2 me?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
This could be us… but you playing
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty