My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast