Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
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FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”