This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
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Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I put the mess in domestic.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.