Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind