Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine