me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
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Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”