If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
You Might Also Like
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.