I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Well, that should do it
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”