Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
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Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women