If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
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the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.