People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2