I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Terribly Tuesday.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.