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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.