You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.