7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
wow he looks just like him
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.