hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/