Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
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When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Good point.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.