“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Yep.
our love story in four pictures
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?