If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
You Might Also Like
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
#Caturday
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow