me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks