You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
looks legit
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio